havent talked in a while...

heyy.. so i havent posted in a while lol. a longggg while haa.. soooo, yeaa, things are not that good..
Lately i've been eating whenver i feel like it and i've gained so much weight and i am not 40 lbs overweight.... i weigh 163. i've lost about 5 lbs by just not eating unless i''m hungry. but i dont think that s gonna work and keep the weight off. i've been thinking about restricting my foods more. i'm too fat and i need all of it to get off. i feel so ugly..
i g2g.. my friends over...
please message me at rylee.jo13@yahoo.com if ya wanna be a buddy..

dying...

i feel like im dying... i hate this feeling of loss of control... i promised myself i wouldnt get back into these habits but i cant help it... the past couple nights i havent been able to fall asleep w/o weighing and measuring myslef.
Im still a vegetarian, i figured that would help me gain some form of control but its not a very large feeling of control, so i can only think of one way to gain control again...
I know its bad for me, i know its unheathly, but i have no choice, i need to have control. i need to control something in my life,... it doesnt help that school is atrting in a couple days. in a way it does because i wont be home very often so i can get back in control. so far i havent eaten anything today. feeling great because the food does not control me, i control the food.
well, g2g for now, gonna go do 115 crunches and 20 push ups.
see ya!!!

Control at last.

I decided.
a way to gain control over everything..
I'm going to be a vegetarian.. no more starving.. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started water polo and i feel extremely sore, yet amazingly great. lol. minus the majoy tiredness i have tech week (otherwise known as hell week) at the theatre... ughhh.. oh well.. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right???
I finally realized too, i'm never gonna be as skinny as i wanna be... but i can still look good..
Hoping life gets better :)) gonna go to bed. water polo tomorrow!! write when i can :))
G'night and sweet dreams,
Nea ♥

depressed and needing to gain control..

feeling depressed and outta control... I"M supposed to control the food, NOT the food controlling me... trying to get over the hungeer painss... planning to eat one small meal tomorrow.. mainly planning to take my meds on an empty stomach so i dont feel like eating...
i've lost 5 lbs, but its not enough... i feel fat.... sooo fat......
got told the other day about my fat rolls...
starting water polo on monday, hoping to lose more weight... many poeple say i look good, but i look, int the mirror and all i see is fat...
gonna be going on a fast mon-tues.
Anyone with me???

daytime

another datime post lol.
Currently im on restriction due to a bad desicion so i can only post when my parents arent home.
So i went to the doctor, and she weighed me, and i weigh 148 lbs. so now im writing down everthing i eat and such.
Nywho, i have to go. so ttyl. i'll write when i can.

daytime

wow. my first post in the daytime lol. haha. so, last night my friend came over and we were both craving a cig badly. she hadnt smoked in 5 weeks, and i hadnt smoked since january, so i decided to find some cigs. we smoked 3 cigarettes. fantastic,. :)) i felt soooo much better after that. so i got ahold of a friend who can get her boyfriend to buy me a pack since im under age. so, right not life is going fantastic. i love it..

i'm losing wieght now that im so close to starting my period. plus, m friend is starting a workout group that runs mon wed and fridays and im starting that tomorrow. then on august 2nd, i start water polo. :))

Life is Good :))

sleepless nights

so, i los about 5 pounds. yay!!!! then God decided to remind me that i'm a woman and he gifted me with my period, hello 5 more pounds gained.. i'm really needing to keep up on my control... i control the food, the food does not control me.
SO, lately my mom has been making comments about me getting back into exercising, so now it is a requirement that i exercise, and ive also started a workout group that i get to be in, and that means 3 days of endless work out with friends and 4 days of "required" work out at home :))
Otherwise, life is great... i'lll write when i can.
g'night