havent posted in a while but i guess you could say i was busy... me and correy lasted an amazing 8 months, and we broke up 4 days ago. i wanna hate him and never speak to him again, but i just cant... i tries to make myself get over him but its just not working, every dream i have is about him... and sometimes, i just wish i could sleep forever so i never have to leave his arms.. i keep hoping that maybe someday in the future, we will see each other again and still feel those butterflies, and then maybe live out our dream together... but then maybe again he's just not the right guy.. i just really dont know. mayb i guess you could say you never forget your first love, but he was mine, and i will never forget him.  even though i fucked up beyond belief, i really want him back... i miss him so much and i'm tired of feeling so worthless... i just really dont want to live without him... but i know that i'm going to have to. i dont blame him for leaving me, everyone always does.. if your readin this Correy, i love you with all my heart, and i always will. i fucked up, but i promise you it will never happen again.. well, see you later people...

Update i guess.

Well, i haven't written in a while lol. I guess every post seems to start out like this because i don't write very often. Things have been going alright. Correy has been staying over alot, and thats been the highlight of the past couple weeks.  I have been trying my hardest to get a job but its been really hard to. I'm still smoking.  I've been trying to quit, and the longest i have ever been able to go was 2 days.  I am still trying, but my mom keeps harping me about it, and it stresses me out really bad, and i cant quit when i'm stressed out, and things are getting really stressful, so its been way harder for me to quit, so i probable am not gonna quit til i'm not stressed out. Maybe this summer. Correy has been so amazing to me its ridiculous. We have our fights, and our days, but who doesnt? no relationship is perfect.  But he is the light of my life. Hes the oxygen i breathe. Hes my everything. We already have our whole life planned out.(:  And next year instead of going to prom we decided that since i'm 18, its not illegal, hah, but we're gonna rent a hotel for 3 days down in LA, and go to Magic Mountain, and then spend time in LA.  I'm gonna be saving LOTS of money so that we can afford to go.  We still havent had sex yet, and i take pride in that fact(: We are waiting til marriage, and that totally final. (: so yeah hah. Lifes pretty well besides all the stress i have. But anyways, i'll post the next time i can, kay?(:

Long time no Post.

So it has been a very long time since i posted i guess you could say. Things have been quite crazy, my "prince in shining armor" i was with turned into a douche wearing the words cheater. I was so depressed at first, but then i saw the light about two weeks later when i met Correy John. My gosh, he may not be wearing that suit of armor, but he's my dork in tinfoil haa. He treats me amazing, and hes the love of my life. He lights up my world like a lightbulb and i just can not imagine living with out him.
Me and Ana parted when Correy and i began dating. I didnt want to but i had told him i would stay away. Which was extremely good for me. I find myself struggling alot sometimes and not so much other times, but i can see the light at the end of this tunnel. Its funny because i have never reall thought of myself as beautiful, but when i'm with Correy, all of it like disappeared. I can be myself, and i dont ever end up worrying if i look fat, or if i eat that, what'll happen? that type of thing. I picked up smoking:/ No Bueno. I hate it that i do it, so I'm somewhat trying to stop. I'm not aiming to stop completely, but to just go down on how many i've been smoking. Anywho, i will probably write bunches more tomorrow about money and such, but this is so far a good post and i want to end it on a good note. Plus Correy is coming over around 10 tomorrow and i need the sleep so badly!!!
Loves and Kisses!

So today was an overall good day. I shadowed Ty at his school cos mine is off this week. Then i have youth group and then home bound i am! When i get home i have to do some major packing cos i haven't packed for Pismo at all yet! i put it off and now its last minute cos i am leaving tomorrow. The wedding i'm going to is my cousins, and he's having it on the rooftop of this one hotel! Crazy expensive, so i hear(; But i think its cool. But i wonder what would happen if someone fell off the roof during the wedding?? that would sorta kind suck lol. But im excited to get away for the weekend. Even if it means having to deal with gagillionz of little kids

So this entry is a tad more optimistic and different than my others, but oh well. I'm in a good mood, what can i say?

XOXO

*sigh..*

I Dont understand this... I have followed my diet since my last post, yet i have done nothing but gain weight. I'm now up to 172lbs.. I Dont understand. What must i do to please Ana? What must i do, to finally feel beautiful in my own skin? I dont want to starve.. i Dont want to but sometimes it feels like the only thing left to do... sometimes i feel that hunger pain, and think man... I'm getting there.. I'm finally getting to where i want to be... I have been going through my room and today i picked out a pair of size 5 pants, and that's my goal for the next 2 weeks. To at least drop about 8 lbs..

I'm going to Pismo beach this weekend for a wedding. I'm nervous because all i can fit in is my black and white dress that i used when i was "big". Its sad. I want to be able to fit in my old dresses. But i guess you cant always get what you want.. But this time, i will get what i want.

I feel so depressed and fat tonight.. i hate this..
Wellll, im sorry for ranting on and on...
Stay Strong,
XOXO

*sigh*

Things are just going downhill. the only good thing in my life right now is Ty.. He's the only thing keeping me sane.. He's my world, i dont know how i would live without him.
With my sister not living here anymore (she tried to kill my mom), things have been alot less stressful. Well, now shes making things up and making my life horrible from over 30 miles away.
I had some guys on Tuesday sit there and comment on how if they were as fat as i was, they'd kill themselves... I'm so freakin done... I'm tired of being told i'm fat... I'm so tired of being FAT!!!!!!!!! Its driving me crazy!!! I'm fighting every day to stay sane, to keep going, to keep eating... But I'm just done. I am done eating. I'm done thinking, I'm done being fat. As of tomorrow, i'm starting a new diet. I wont freakin eat. I will allow myself one meal a day. then i'll slowly drop it down to one snack, then one small munchie, then nothing. then work my up to one meal, then go down the scale again. These pounds will be gone, Ana will be happy, and noone will call me fat ever again. I want to be able to walk down that hall and hear people say, Damn, shes lost alot of weight. I want to be able to not have to say, "please dont pick me up, im too heavy." i want people to pick me up and say man ur as light as a feather. I want to Feel BEAUTIFUL!!
This has been me ranting after a horrible day.. Sorry this entry is fairly depressing, but its reality.
Stay strong,
XOXO

Crash and Burn..

Today while i was walking in the hall, two boys behind me were commenting on how fat i was and how i shouldnt wear leggings until i drop 100 pounds... Wow right? and i've been failing my diet.. I'm trying to find a comfortable one for me.. I Dont Want To Starve... But i dont want to gain weight...
T (my boyfriend) has really helped to make me feel good about myself, and when im around him, i feel beautiful.. but thats a temperary feeling that goes away when food is put in front of me.. Why i do i suddenly fall apart?? Why are most of my thoughts now a days centered around "if you eat this, you'll gain weight" and mainly about food??
What Have I Become??
I dont know how to fix this.. I feel Ana's pull on me.. I feel her slowly begin to take over my mind again.. Every moment, of everyday, i feel it. i feel her gaining control over me more and more, by every passing meal, by every glance in the hallway, by every scale and weigh in... I feel her slowly take over me, and i feel like i cant stop it.. I think i need to just let her in.. *sigh* I'm so Conflicted!!
Crash and Burn is what i'm doing... I was so well on my way to recovering, then this comes up again.. I hate this.. I hate it so much.. And i dont want to go back to her, but i have a feeling that tonight i wont be eating...
Well, i have to go. i'll write again when i get the chance..

havent been on in a long time..

wow.. i havent been on in a lonnggggg time lol. Well, i'm still at about the same weight as before.. just a tad more.. I'm going to start writing whenever i get the chance to. Seems that exercise and eating healthy isnt getting me Anywhere.. i havent gained nor have i lost any.. i Just dont know what to do anymore.. Well, i guess drastic times calls for drastic measures? thinking about cutting down my meals to 2 a day... Maybe then i'll start beginning to lose weight.. I mean, everyone says i dont need to lose weight, but my mind and the numbers on the scale tend to differ.. i guess i'll be going back to my 200 workout (200 situps, 200 calories, tht sorta thing). maybe then i can actually feel good about myself?

Happy subject for a sec: so i met this guy on facebook who knew my sister and all, and we started talking and he asked me out and such and were datin now((: I really like him. in fact i love him. i might think hes the one. Ya know? totally cheesy but oh well. Hes amazing in every way and he can always make my day better by just talking to me and stuff((:

So my obssession this week is with I Dont Wanna Be Me by Amanda Clemens.
its a great song.

SO!!! My diet and goals for this week is lose 3 pounds. Diet: 2 meals a day, each meal no more than 500 calories, no sugar.
Workout: 200 situps each night, 40 pushups, and 3 30 second wall sits.

I will update when i can with stats and how i'm doing.

havent talked in a while...

heyy.. so i havent posted in a while lol. a longggg while haa.. soooo, yeaa, things are not that good..
Lately i've been eating whenver i feel like it and i've gained so much weight and i am not 40 lbs overweight.... i weigh 163. i've lost about 5 lbs by just not eating unless i''m hungry. but i dont think that s gonna work and keep the weight off. i've been thinking about restricting my foods more. i'm too fat and i need all of it to get off. i feel so ugly..
i g2g.. my friends over...
please message me at rylee.jo13@yahoo.com if ya wanna be a buddy..

dying...

i feel like im dying... i hate this feeling of loss of control... i promised myself i wouldnt get back into these habits but i cant help it... the past couple nights i havent been able to fall asleep w/o weighing and measuring myslef.
Im still a vegetarian, i figured that would help me gain some form of control but its not a very large feeling of control, so i can only think of one way to gain control again...
I know its bad for me, i know its unheathly, but i have no choice, i need to have control. i need to control something in my life,... it doesnt help that school is atrting in a couple days. in a way it does because i wont be home very often so i can get back in control. so far i havent eaten anything today. feeling great because the food does not control me, i control the food.
well, g2g for now, gonna go do 115 crunches and 20 push ups.
see ya!!!

Control at last.

I decided.
a way to gain control over everything..
I'm going to be a vegetarian.. no more starving.. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started water polo and i feel extremely sore, yet amazingly great. lol. minus the majoy tiredness i have tech week (otherwise known as hell week) at the theatre... ughhh.. oh well.. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right???
I finally realized too, i'm never gonna be as skinny as i wanna be... but i can still look good..
Hoping life gets better :)) gonna go to bed. water polo tomorrow!! write when i can :))
G'night and sweet dreams,
Nea ♥

depressed and needing to gain control..

feeling depressed and outta control... I"M supposed to control the food, NOT the food controlling me... trying to get over the hungeer painss... planning to eat one small meal tomorrow.. mainly planning to take my meds on an empty stomach so i dont feel like eating...
i've lost 5 lbs, but its not enough... i feel fat.... sooo fat......
got told the other day about my fat rolls...
starting water polo on monday, hoping to lose more weight... many poeple say i look good, but i look, int the mirror and all i see is fat...
gonna be going on a fast mon-tues.
Anyone with me???

daytime

another datime post lol.
Currently im on restriction due to a bad desicion so i can only post when my parents arent home.
So i went to the doctor, and she weighed me, and i weigh 148 lbs. so now im writing down everthing i eat and such.
Nywho, i have to go. so ttyl. i'll write when i can.

daytime

wow. my first post in the daytime lol. haha. so, last night my friend came over and we were both craving a cig badly. she hadnt smoked in 5 weeks, and i hadnt smoked since january, so i decided to find some cigs. we smoked 3 cigarettes. fantastic,. :)) i felt soooo much better after that. so i got ahold of a friend who can get her boyfriend to buy me a pack since im under age. so, right not life is going fantastic. i love it..

i'm losing wieght now that im so close to starting my period. plus, m friend is starting a workout group that runs mon wed and fridays and im starting that tomorrow. then on august 2nd, i start water polo. :))

Life is Good :))

sleepless nights

so, i los about 5 pounds. yay!!!! then God decided to remind me that i'm a woman and he gifted me with my period, hello 5 more pounds gained.. i'm really needing to keep up on my control... i control the food, the food does not control me.
SO, lately my mom has been making comments about me getting back into exercising, so now it is a requirement that i exercise, and ive also started a workout group that i get to be in, and that means 3 days of endless work out with friends and 4 days of "required" work out at home :))
Otherwise, life is great... i'lll write when i can.
g'night

another sleepless night

Up late... again...

I've been doing alot of thinking lately, about what i eat and such... Last week i tried out at the local theatre for the Main Female Role in the next play (i've been dancing at this theatre since i was three), and i didn't get the part. so this person i knew came up to me and told me that i didnt get the part because i was "not skinny enough, and needed to lose lots of weight" b4 i could play that role. It's like, seriously?? what the h is wrong with you?? So i've been debating recently about what i'm doing...
g'night

up late again

My legs were feeling restless so i decided to get up and write.

Lately things have been better, i've been gaining more control over what i eat. I'vee been eating less and less since my last post, and i'm feeling pretty good. i was laying down trying to fall asleep, and i sucked in my stomach, and i could feel the little bumps that are called ribs, it felt really nice to quite possibly be getting skinner.

I'm still at 143lbs, and i'm not liking it very much..

Also, i've been having some guy issues lately that have been making me stressed and making me want to eat more and more... not the best thing, huh?? lol.

I would love to write more, but i have my friend over and i should probably go to bed now..
I will post when i get the chance.
G'NIGHT WORLD!!!!!

*sigh*

up late again.. i've been having loads of trouble sleeping... i dont know why, its really weird...
I will admit, lately i have been eating like a pig, but see here's what i'm doing : i'm eating alot, and getting "out-of-shape" (even tho it kills me to see myself gain weight :((], so that my mom reccomends, in fact, encourages exercise. she just wont know how much exercise. then i could say that exercising is making me lose my appatite (if she asks about my lost interest in eating), and then all will be well in the woorld,, right..????

I've been having some guy trouble lately, with this one guy that i really like, i almost think i love him, i've been having trouble mainly cos my mom doesnt trust him, so he has to gain mine and my moms trust before she even lets me go out on a date with him, (because the first time we went out,, he cheated on me with his ex, and i finally got rid of my immaturity and decided to forgive him). but i really hope all goes well with that :)).

And man, this is SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!! There's not supposed to be any drama, right??? lol.. Apparently not in my group of friends lol. Only 14 days into summer and i've already had a bunch of drama with my friends. Crazy right???

Plus, i have been having out with my best friend alot, and man, jealousy is a B!$*#!!!!! lol. She's really skinny and eats alot and does not gain any weight.. Fast Metabolism mayb??? i dunno. whatever it is, i want it!!!! lol. I found 2 pairs of jeans while i was cleaning my closet today.. one is a size 3 and one is a size 1. i cant wait to be able to fit in those!!!!!!!!! :))

LOL. Well, i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their summer :)).
I'll be posting as soon as i get the chance :))

6*16*10

so, me and my friend decided to go on a two day fast (6*15-16*10), [and i hope shes reading this], but lately i have been failing at my fasting since school got out. cos im home all day everyday, and i have been hospitialized for ana b4, so my parents are always on the look out for signs that im doing this again...
Any suggestions for how i can help hide it???

143lbs

Today i ate many food... not the best idea... i think starting tommorrow i am gonna go on a 2 day fast... my first time fasting. lets hope it goes well. no eating and i will drink water and no calorie things.

Tommorrow is my last day of school and last final is algebra. so stressed over it. if i dont do well then i get a D in algebra and thats not a good thing.. anywho, leave a comment if ya wanna go on a 2 day fast w/ me starting tommorrow!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO, nea..