dying...

i feel like im dying... i hate this feeling of loss of control... i promised myself i wouldnt get back into these habits but i cant help it... the past couple nights i havent been able to fall asleep w/o weighing and measuring myslef.
Im still a vegetarian, i figured that would help me gain some form of control but its not a very large feeling of control, so i can only think of one way to gain control again...
I know its bad for me, i know its unheathly, but i have no choice, i need to have control. i need to control something in my life,... it doesnt help that school is atrting in a couple days. in a way it does because i wont be home very often so i can get back in control. so far i havent eaten anything today. feeling great because the food does not control me, i control the food.
well, g2g for now, gonna go do 115 crunches and 20 push ups.
see ya!!!

Control at last.

I decided.
a way to gain control over everything..
I'm going to be a vegetarian.. no more starving.. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started water polo and i feel extremely sore, yet amazingly great. lol. minus the majoy tiredness i have tech week (otherwise known as hell week) at the theatre... ughhh.. oh well.. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right???
I finally realized too, i'm never gonna be as skinny as i wanna be... but i can still look good..
Hoping life gets better :)) gonna go to bed. water polo tomorrow!! write when i can :))
G'night and sweet dreams,
Nea ♥