Monday, August 6, 2012

havent posted in a while but i guess you could say i was busy... me and correy lasted an amazing 8 months, and we broke up 4 days ago. i wanna hate him and never speak to him again, but i just cant... i tries to make myself get over him but its just not working, every dream i have is about him... and sometimes, i just wish i could sleep forever so i never have to leave his arms.. i keep hoping that maybe someday in the future, we will see each other again and still feel those butterflies, and then maybe live out our dream together... but then maybe again he's just not the right guy.. i just really dont know. mayb i guess you could say you never forget your first love, but he was mine, and i will never forget him.  even though i fucked up beyond belief, i really want him back... i miss him so much and i'm tired of feeling so worthless... i just really dont want to live without him... but i know that i'm going to have to. i dont blame him for leaving me, everyone always does.. if your readin this Correy, i love you with all my heart, and i always will. i fucked up, but i promise you it will never happen again.. well, see you later people...

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Update i guess.

Well, i haven't written in a while lol. I guess every post seems to start out like this because i don't write very often. Things have been going alright. Correy has been staying over alot, and thats been the highlight of the past couple weeks.  I have been trying my hardest to get a job but its been really hard to. I'm still smoking.  I've been trying to quit, and the longest i have ever been able to go was 2 days.  I am still trying, but my mom keeps harping me about it, and it stresses me out really bad, and i cant quit when i'm stressed out, and things are getting really stressful, so its been way harder for me to quit, so i probable am not gonna quit til i'm not stressed out. Maybe this summer. Correy has been so amazing to me its ridiculous. We have our fights, and our days, but who doesnt? no relationship is perfect.  But he is the light of my life. Hes the oxygen i breathe. Hes my everything. We already have our whole life planned out.(:  And next year instead of going to prom we decided that since i'm 18, its not illegal, hah, but we're gonna rent a hotel for 3 days down in LA, and go to Magic Mountain, and then spend time in LA.  I'm gonna be saving LOTS of money so that we can afford to go.  We still havent had sex yet, and i take pride in that fact(: We are waiting til marriage, and that totally final. (: so yeah hah. Lifes pretty well besides all the stress i have. But anyways, i'll post the next time i can, kay?(:

Friday, March 23, 2012

Long time no Post.

So it has been a very long time since i posted i guess you could say. Things have been quite crazy, my "prince in shining armor" i was with turned into a douche wearing the words cheater. I was so depressed at first, but then i saw the light about two weeks later when i met Correy John. My gosh, he may not be wearing that suit of armor, but he's my dork in tinfoil haa. He treats me amazing, and hes the love of my life. He lights up my world like a lightbulb and i just can not imagine living with out him.
Me and Ana parted when Correy and i began dating. I didnt want to but i had told him i would stay away. Which was extremely good for me. I find myself struggling alot sometimes and not so much other times, but i can see the light at the end of this tunnel. Its funny because i have never reall thought of myself as beautiful, but when i'm with Correy, all of it like disappeared. I can be myself, and i dont ever end up worrying if i look fat, or if i eat that, what'll happen? that type of thing. I picked up smoking:/ No Bueno. I hate it that i do it, so I'm somewhat trying to stop. I'm not aiming to stop completely, but to just go down on how many i've been smoking. Anywho, i will probably write bunches more tomorrow about money and such, but this is so far a good post and i want to end it on a good note. Plus Correy is coming over around 10 tomorrow and i need the sleep so badly!!!
Loves and Kisses!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

So today was an overall good day. I shadowed Ty at his school cos mine is off this week. Then i have youth group and then home bound i am! When i get home i have to do some major packing cos i haven't packed for Pismo at all yet! i put it off and now its last minute cos i am leaving tomorrow. The wedding i'm going to is my cousins, and he's having it on the rooftop of this one hotel! Crazy expensive, so i hear(; But i think its cool. But i wonder what would happen if someone fell off the roof during the wedding?? that would sorta kind suck lol. But im excited to get away for the weekend. Even if it means having to deal with gagillionz of little kids
So this entry is a tad more optimistic and different than my others, but oh well. I'm in a good mood, what can i say?
XOXO

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

*sigh..*

I Dont understand this... I have followed my diet since my last post, yet i have done nothing but gain weight. I'm now up to 172lbs.. I Dont understand. What must i do to please Ana? What must i do, to finally feel beautiful in my own skin? I dont want to starve.. i Dont want to but sometimes it feels like the only thing left to do... sometimes i feel that hunger pain, and think man... I'm getting there.. I'm finally getting to where i want to be... I have been going through my room and today i picked out a pair of size 5 pants, and that's my goal for the next 2 weeks. To at least drop about 8 lbs..

I'm going to Pismo beach this weekend for a wedding. I'm nervous because all i can fit in is my black and white dress that i used when i was "big". Its sad. I want to be able to fit in my old dresses. But i guess you cant always get what you want.. But this time, i will get what i want.

I feel so depressed and fat tonight.. i hate this..
Wellll, im sorry for ranting on and on...
Stay Strong,
XOXO

Thursday, October 13, 2011

*sigh*

Things are just going downhill. the only good thing in my life right now is Ty.. He's the only thing keeping me sane.. He's my world, i dont know how i would live without him.
With my sister not living here anymore (she tried to kill my mom), things have been alot less stressful. Well, now shes making things up and making my life horrible from over 30 miles away.
I had some guys on Tuesday sit there and comment on how if they were as fat as i was, they'd kill themselves... I'm so freakin done... I'm tired of being told i'm fat... I'm so tired of being FAT!!!!!!!!! Its driving me crazy!!! I'm fighting every day to stay sane, to keep going, to keep eating... But I'm just done. I am done eating. I'm done thinking, I'm done being fat. As of tomorrow, i'm starting a new diet. I wont freakin eat. I will allow myself one meal a day. then i'll slowly drop it down to one snack, then one small munchie, then nothing. then work my up to one meal, then go down the scale again. These pounds will be gone, Ana will be happy, and noone will call me fat ever again. I want to be able to walk down that hall and hear people say, Damn, shes lost alot of weight. I want to be able to not have to say, "please dont pick me up, im too heavy." i want people to pick me up and say man ur as light as a feather. I want to Feel BEAUTIFUL!!
This has been me ranting after a horrible day.. Sorry this entry is fairly depressing, but its reality.
Stay strong,
XOXO

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Crash and Burn..

Today while i was walking in the hall, two boys behind me were commenting on how fat i was and how i shouldnt wear leggings until i drop 100 pounds... Wow right? and i've been failing my diet.. I'm trying to find a comfortable one for me.. I Dont Want To Starve... But i dont want to gain weight...
T (my boyfriend) has really helped to make me feel good about myself, and when im around him, i feel beautiful.. but thats a temperary feeling that goes away when food is put in front of me.. Why i do i suddenly fall apart?? Why are most of my thoughts now a days centered around "if you eat this, you'll gain weight" and mainly about food??
What Have I Become??
I dont know how to fix this.. I feel Ana's pull on me.. I feel her slowly begin to take over my mind again.. Every moment, of everyday, i feel it. i feel her gaining control over me more and more, by every passing meal, by every glance in the hallway, by every scale and weigh in... I feel her slowly take over me, and i feel like i cant stop it.. I think i need to just let her in.. *sigh* I'm so Conflicted!!
Crash and Burn is what i'm doing... I was so well on my way to recovering, then this comes up again.. I hate this.. I hate it so much.. And i dont want to go back to her, but i have a feeling that tonight i wont be eating...
Well, i have to go. i'll write again when i get the chance..