dying...

i feel like im dying... i hate this feeling of loss of control... i promised myself i wouldnt get back into these habits but i cant help it... the past couple nights i havent been able to fall asleep w/o weighing and measuring myslef.
Im still a vegetarian, i figured that would help me gain some form of control but its not a very large feeling of control, so i can only think of one way to gain control again...
I know its bad for me, i know its unheathly, but i have no choice, i need to have control. i need to control something in my life,... it doesnt help that school is atrting in a couple days. in a way it does because i wont be home very often so i can get back in control. so far i havent eaten anything today. feeling great because the food does not control me, i control the food.
well, g2g for now, gonna go do 115 crunches and 20 push ups.
see ya!!!

Control at last.

I decided.
a way to gain control over everything..
I'm going to be a vegetarian.. no more starving.. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started water polo and i feel extremely sore, yet amazingly great. lol. minus the majoy tiredness i have tech week (otherwise known as hell week) at the theatre... ughhh.. oh well.. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right???
I finally realized too, i'm never gonna be as skinny as i wanna be... but i can still look good..
Hoping life gets better :)) gonna go to bed. water polo tomorrow!! write when i can :))
G'night and sweet dreams,
Nea ♥

depressed and needing to gain control..

feeling depressed and outta control... I"M supposed to control the food, NOT the food controlling me... trying to get over the hungeer painss... planning to eat one small meal tomorrow.. mainly planning to take my meds on an empty stomach so i dont feel like eating...
i've lost 5 lbs, but its not enough... i feel fat.... sooo fat......
got told the other day about my fat rolls...
starting water polo on monday, hoping to lose more weight... many poeple say i look good, but i look, int the mirror and all i see is fat...
gonna be going on a fast mon-tues.
Anyone with me???

daytime

another datime post lol.
Currently im on restriction due to a bad desicion so i can only post when my parents arent home.
So i went to the doctor, and she weighed me, and i weigh 148 lbs. so now im writing down everthing i eat and such.
Nywho, i have to go. so ttyl. i'll write when i can.

daytime

wow. my first post in the daytime lol. haha. so, last night my friend came over and we were both craving a cig badly. she hadnt smoked in 5 weeks, and i hadnt smoked since january, so i decided to find some cigs. we smoked 3 cigarettes. fantastic,. :)) i felt soooo much better after that. so i got ahold of a friend who can get her boyfriend to buy me a pack since im under age. so, right not life is going fantastic. i love it..

i'm losing wieght now that im so close to starting my period. plus, m friend is starting a workout group that runs mon wed and fridays and im starting that tomorrow. then on august 2nd, i start water polo. :))

Life is Good :))

sleepless nights

so, i los about 5 pounds. yay!!!! then God decided to remind me that i'm a woman and he gifted me with my period, hello 5 more pounds gained.. i'm really needing to keep up on my control... i control the food, the food does not control me.
SO, lately my mom has been making comments about me getting back into exercising, so now it is a requirement that i exercise, and ive also started a workout group that i get to be in, and that means 3 days of endless work out with friends and 4 days of "required" work out at home :))
Otherwise, life is great... i'lll write when i can.
g'night

another sleepless night

Up late... again...

I've been doing alot of thinking lately, about what i eat and such... Last week i tried out at the local theatre for the Main Female Role in the next play (i've been dancing at this theatre since i was three), and i didn't get the part. so this person i knew came up to me and told me that i didnt get the part because i was "not skinny enough, and needed to lose lots of weight" b4 i could play that role. It's like, seriously?? what the h is wrong with you?? So i've been debating recently about what i'm doing...
g'night

up late again

My legs were feeling restless so i decided to get up and write.

Lately things have been better, i've been gaining more control over what i eat. I'vee been eating less and less since my last post, and i'm feeling pretty good. i was laying down trying to fall asleep, and i sucked in my stomach, and i could feel the little bumps that are called ribs, it felt really nice to quite possibly be getting skinner.

I'm still at 143lbs, and i'm not liking it very much..

Also, i've been having some guy issues lately that have been making me stressed and making me want to eat more and more... not the best thing, huh?? lol.

I would love to write more, but i have my friend over and i should probably go to bed now..
I will post when i get the chance.
G'NIGHT WORLD!!!!!

*sigh*

up late again.. i've been having loads of trouble sleeping... i dont know why, its really weird...
I will admit, lately i have been eating like a pig, but see here's what i'm doing : i'm eating alot, and getting "out-of-shape" (even tho it kills me to see myself gain weight :((], so that my mom reccomends, in fact, encourages exercise. she just wont know how much exercise. then i could say that exercising is making me lose my appatite (if she asks about my lost interest in eating), and then all will be well in the woorld,, right..????

I've been having some guy trouble lately, with this one guy that i really like, i almost think i love him, i've been having trouble mainly cos my mom doesnt trust him, so he has to gain mine and my moms trust before she even lets me go out on a date with him, (because the first time we went out,, he cheated on me with his ex, and i finally got rid of my immaturity and decided to forgive him). but i really hope all goes well with that :)).

And man, this is SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!! There's not supposed to be any drama, right??? lol.. Apparently not in my group of friends lol. Only 14 days into summer and i've already had a bunch of drama with my friends. Crazy right???

Plus, i have been having out with my best friend alot, and man, jealousy is a B!$*#!!!!! lol. She's really skinny and eats alot and does not gain any weight.. Fast Metabolism mayb??? i dunno. whatever it is, i want it!!!! lol. I found 2 pairs of jeans while i was cleaning my closet today.. one is a size 3 and one is a size 1. i cant wait to be able to fit in those!!!!!!!!! :))

LOL. Well, i hope whoever is reading this is enjoying their summer :)).
I'll be posting as soon as i get the chance :))

6*16*10

so, me and my friend decided to go on a two day fast (6*15-16*10), [and i hope shes reading this], but lately i have been failing at my fasting since school got out. cos im home all day everyday, and i have been hospitialized for ana b4, so my parents are always on the look out for signs that im doing this again...
Any suggestions for how i can help hide it???

143lbs

Today i ate many food... not the best idea... i think starting tommorrow i am gonna go on a 2 day fast... my first time fasting. lets hope it goes well. no eating and i will drink water and no calorie things.

Tommorrow is my last day of school and last final is algebra. so stressed over it. if i dont do well then i get a D in algebra and thats not a good thing.. anywho, leave a comment if ya wanna go on a 2 day fast w/ me starting tommorrow!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO, nea..

no no no no NO!!!!!

today i had a show, and i couldnt fit in my usual can-can dress....not good...am i really getting to be that big???? apparently, 2 meals a day, and LOTS of exercise...... 144lbs todayyy.... i hate being this fatt, i mean seriously???????? ughh....

6*5*10

Ate one extra meal today. kinda regretting it now. i weigh 144lbs at the moment, and its disgusting me... i cant belive i let myself weigh this much. its ridiculous.. *sigh* tommorrow is sunday, and i have church. 2 meals tomorrow. p.s did you kno that a strawberry nirvana (small) @ jamba juice is only 150 calories???

venting

Apparently this is the only way for me to vent and not worry..
today i ate no breakfast and had an ice cream cone for lunch...
i have had nothing to eat since then.... i feel so alone in my eating habits... everyones always, "your so gorgeous, and skinny," but i cant belive them. how can being 139lbs be gorgeous???? all that im doing is good... its good for me.. i WILL be skinny, i WILL be beautiful, and i WILL do whatever it takes... even if it means not eating.
Tomorrow, i shall eat two small meals, not sure what yet. i will decided tommorrow.
anyone waanna join in a diet plan with me???