So today was an overall good day. I shadowed Ty at his school cos mine is off this week. Then i have youth group and then home bound i am! When i get home i have to do some major packing cos i haven't packed for Pismo at all yet! i put it off and now its last minute cos i am leaving tomorrow. The wedding i'm going to is my cousins, and he's having it on the rooftop of this one hotel! Crazy expensive, so i hear(; But i think its cool. But i wonder what would happen if someone fell off the roof during the wedding?? that would sorta kind suck lol. But im excited to get away for the weekend. Even if it means having to deal with gagillionz of little kids

So this entry is a tad more optimistic and different than my others, but oh well. I'm in a good mood, what can i say?

XOXO

*sigh..*

I Dont understand this... I have followed my diet since my last post, yet i have done nothing but gain weight. I'm now up to 172lbs.. I Dont understand. What must i do to please Ana? What must i do, to finally feel beautiful in my own skin? I dont want to starve.. i Dont want to but sometimes it feels like the only thing left to do... sometimes i feel that hunger pain, and think man... I'm getting there.. I'm finally getting to where i want to be... I have been going through my room and today i picked out a pair of size 5 pants, and that's my goal for the next 2 weeks. To at least drop about 8 lbs..

I'm going to Pismo beach this weekend for a wedding. I'm nervous because all i can fit in is my black and white dress that i used when i was "big". Its sad. I want to be able to fit in my old dresses. But i guess you cant always get what you want.. But this time, i will get what i want.

I feel so depressed and fat tonight.. i hate this..
Wellll, im sorry for ranting on and on...
Stay Strong,
XOXO

*sigh*

Things are just going downhill. the only good thing in my life right now is Ty.. He's the only thing keeping me sane.. He's my world, i dont know how i would live without him.
With my sister not living here anymore (she tried to kill my mom), things have been alot less stressful. Well, now shes making things up and making my life horrible from over 30 miles away.
I had some guys on Tuesday sit there and comment on how if they were as fat as i was, they'd kill themselves... I'm so freakin done... I'm tired of being told i'm fat... I'm so tired of being FAT!!!!!!!!! Its driving me crazy!!! I'm fighting every day to stay sane, to keep going, to keep eating... But I'm just done. I am done eating. I'm done thinking, I'm done being fat. As of tomorrow, i'm starting a new diet. I wont freakin eat. I will allow myself one meal a day. then i'll slowly drop it down to one snack, then one small munchie, then nothing. then work my up to one meal, then go down the scale again. These pounds will be gone, Ana will be happy, and noone will call me fat ever again. I want to be able to walk down that hall and hear people say, Damn, shes lost alot of weight. I want to be able to not have to say, "please dont pick me up, im too heavy." i want people to pick me up and say man ur as light as a feather. I want to Feel BEAUTIFUL!!
This has been me ranting after a horrible day.. Sorry this entry is fairly depressing, but its reality.
Stay strong,
XOXO

Crash and Burn..

Today while i was walking in the hall, two boys behind me were commenting on how fat i was and how i shouldnt wear leggings until i drop 100 pounds... Wow right? and i've been failing my diet.. I'm trying to find a comfortable one for me.. I Dont Want To Starve... But i dont want to gain weight...
T (my boyfriend) has really helped to make me feel good about myself, and when im around him, i feel beautiful.. but thats a temperary feeling that goes away when food is put in front of me.. Why i do i suddenly fall apart?? Why are most of my thoughts now a days centered around "if you eat this, you'll gain weight" and mainly about food??
What Have I Become??
I dont know how to fix this.. I feel Ana's pull on me.. I feel her slowly begin to take over my mind again.. Every moment, of everyday, i feel it. i feel her gaining control over me more and more, by every passing meal, by every glance in the hallway, by every scale and weigh in... I feel her slowly take over me, and i feel like i cant stop it.. I think i need to just let her in.. *sigh* I'm so Conflicted!!
Crash and Burn is what i'm doing... I was so well on my way to recovering, then this comes up again.. I hate this.. I hate it so much.. And i dont want to go back to her, but i have a feeling that tonight i wont be eating...
Well, i have to go. i'll write again when i get the chance..

havent been on in a long time..

wow.. i havent been on in a lonnggggg time lol. Well, i'm still at about the same weight as before.. just a tad more.. I'm going to start writing whenever i get the chance to. Seems that exercise and eating healthy isnt getting me Anywhere.. i havent gained nor have i lost any.. i Just dont know what to do anymore.. Well, i guess drastic times calls for drastic measures? thinking about cutting down my meals to 2 a day... Maybe then i'll start beginning to lose weight.. I mean, everyone says i dont need to lose weight, but my mind and the numbers on the scale tend to differ.. i guess i'll be going back to my 200 workout (200 situps, 200 calories, tht sorta thing). maybe then i can actually feel good about myself?

Happy subject for a sec: so i met this guy on facebook who knew my sister and all, and we started talking and he asked me out and such and were datin now((: I really like him. in fact i love him. i might think hes the one. Ya know? totally cheesy but oh well. Hes amazing in every way and he can always make my day better by just talking to me and stuff((:

So my obssession this week is with I Dont Wanna Be Me by Amanda Clemens.
its a great song.

SO!!! My diet and goals for this week is lose 3 pounds. Diet: 2 meals a day, each meal no more than 500 calories, no sugar.
Workout: 200 situps each night, 40 pushups, and 3 30 second wall sits.

I will update when i can with stats and how i'm doing.

havent talked in a while...

heyy.. so i havent posted in a while lol. a longggg while haa.. soooo, yeaa, things are not that good..
Lately i've been eating whenver i feel like it and i've gained so much weight and i am not 40 lbs overweight.... i weigh 163. i've lost about 5 lbs by just not eating unless i''m hungry. but i dont think that s gonna work and keep the weight off. i've been thinking about restricting my foods more. i'm too fat and i need all of it to get off. i feel so ugly..
i g2g.. my friends over...
please message me at rylee.jo13@yahoo.com if ya wanna be a buddy..