Today while i was walking in the hall, two boys behind me were commenting on how fat i was and how i shouldnt wear leggings until i drop 100 pounds... Wow right? and i've been failing my diet.. I'm trying to find a comfortable one for me.. I Dont Want To Starve... But i dont want to gain weight...
T (my boyfriend) has really helped to make me feel good about myself, and when im around him, i feel beautiful.. but thats a temperary feeling that goes away when food is put in front of me.. Why i do i suddenly fall apart?? Why are most of my thoughts now a days centered around "if you eat this, you'll gain weight" and mainly about food??
What Have I Become??
I dont know how to fix this.. I feel Ana's pull on me.. I feel her slowly begin to take over my mind again.. Every moment, of everyday, i feel it. i feel her gaining control over me more and more, by every passing meal, by every glance in the hallway, by every scale and weigh in... I feel her slowly take over me, and i feel like i cant stop it.. I think i need to just let her in.. *sigh* I'm so Conflicted!!
Crash and Burn is what i'm doing... I was so well on my way to recovering, then this comes up again.. I hate this.. I hate it so much.. And i dont want to go back to her, but i have a feeling that tonight i wont be eating...
Well, i have to go. i'll write again when i get the chance..
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